


We’ll Never Be Anything but Loud

by dearparker



Series: Peter Parker And The Guide to Being a Normal Teenager [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Angry Peter Parker, Attempt at Humor, BAMF Peter Parker, Bisexual Peter Parker, Crack Treated Seriously, Cussing, Gen, Homophobic Language, Lots of it, Out of Character Peter Parker, Protective May Parker (Spider-Man), Racist Language, Sassy Peter Parker, Sassy Tony Stark, Sexual Humor, Snark, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, again FUCK trump, listen FUCK trump, racist and homophobic family members suck DICK, snark?, standing up for yourself is always badass be honest w yourself theys and gays
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:47:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24416104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dearparker/pseuds/dearparker
Summary: Tony shows up by his side with a dish towel, “You sure know how to entertain kiddo.”Peter grumbles, “I would hope so, because if I drop out I’m going to need to do something to earn money.”—(or: peter outs himself to aunt may’s homophobic cousins)
Relationships: May Parker (Spider-Man) & Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: Peter Parker And The Guide to Being a Normal Teenager [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1746373
Comments: 34
Kudos: 356





	We’ll Never Be Anything but Loud

**Author's Note:**

> i got into an argument w my racist and homophobic family members and it made me laugh so i wanted to write this
> 
> THIS IS ALL SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY OKAY!

Peter dislikes dressing up.

Especially when he has to dress up for shitty, extremely distant cousins that bash the LGBTQIA+ community every chance that they got.

Aunt Renee was the worst, he doesn’t even like to consider her family. He feels like she isn’t, but anything label with _half-sister, half-brother, second cousin,_ basically anything past that took his braincells rapidly.

So he just doesn’t think about it.

But now, it’s Aunt Renee’s birthday, they’ve driven for over an hour in 100 degree weather and he’s sure Aunt May wants to bash her own skull in.

Oh, Tony is there too.

He insisted on coming, forming as some sort of buffer between the two Parkers and the distant cousins they can’t remember the name of.

Probably the name of some plantation owner, like Smith or some shit.

Peter snorts and May knocks against the wood for the third time. Her nose is scrunched, she’s already pissed, and Tony’s eyes are wide.

 _Aunt Hottie’s about to blow her top!_ Tony purses his lips jokingly glancing over at the back of May’s head.

 _She’s gonna if she hears you call her that,_ Peter rolls his eyes in response.

Tony suddenly frowns, having to look up at Peter now. Ever since the kid hit the most random growth spurt two weeks ago, he’s got stretch marks on his shoulders that are slowly fading and he’s officially two inches taller than Tony. 

That, and the shoes he’s wearing have heels to them, so at the moment he’s over six feet tall.

Suddenly the door opens and the three of them simultaneously straighten up, plastering fake smiles on their faces.

”Hi May, Peter,” James, Renee’s adopted son, nearly scowls, “And... Tony Stark?”

James is one of those people that wears emotions on their faces. So is Peter.

And when they make eye contact, everyone can practically see the years of competition and comparisons between the two.

It’s even better, because now James _has_ to look up to him now at his big height of 5’7.

Peter smirks, “James.”

“Peter Pan,” James sneers, that dumb nickname from their childhood comes to light every year.

He grumbles under his breath until Tony nudges his elbow and ushers him inside.

From the moment they walk inside, Tony’s eyes widen considerably and he knows that this is the perfect description of a white, conservative, homophobic family. May snorts automatically at his expression.

Tony stares in horror at the Trump flag and Confederate flag hung up in the living room, “Oh god, this is white supremacy as a house.”

Peter barks out a laugh, noticing how James whips around and the tips of his ears are already red, ready to defend his racist president.

May drags them along with red cheeks, her laughter barely contained, and they stumble into the kitchen full of people.

Immediately the trio attempt to squeeze their way into an open area when Aunt Renee comes bustling into them.

Tony huffs, disgruntled at the woman, but then she’s cheering in their faces.

They’re all hit with a hot wave of Vodka and Rockstar, which happens to be the drink she’s holding in her hand, Peter has to swallow harshly to avoid redecorating the woman’s horrendous outfit.

”May!” Renee shouts, squeezing her... _half-sister?_ into a forceful hug, where May is pretending to throw up and her eyes rolled back so far you can only see the whites.

Tony and Peter giggle like schoolgirls.

”Renee, I’m so glad to see you,” The amount of sarcasm dripping from May’s tone has them snickering quietly.

May eventually forces herself from the hug, looking at her shirt like it’s covered in blood, which it might as well be. Her glasses are crooked on the bridge of her nose.

”Is that Peter?!” Renee goes to grab his cheeks, “Gosh, I almost didn’t recognize you! You’ve grown so much!”

Peter grabs her hand, “Aha, I know, crazy right?”

She frowns, looking at her wrist like it’s burning her until she wrenches herself from his grip. With a grunt she walks away.

Tony’s seconds away from laughing his ass off.

Peter squeezes his way to the sink, furiously washing his hands to the point the soap is flying everywhere and James’ bitchass is staring, but Tony’s wheezing into his hands so it’s okay.

He can _feel_ Aunt May roll her eyes so hard, and he’s surprised they didn’t get stuck.

Peter’s a certified idiot though, and completely forgets his hands are extremely sensitive until he tears open the skin under the soapy water, he wants to bash his head in.

Tony shows up by his side with a dish towel, “You sure know how to entertain kiddo.”

Peter grumbles, “I would hope so, because if I drop out I’m going to need to do _something_.”

Tony’s stare is impressive, a mixture between _Peter you’re so overdramatic it hurts please shut the fuck up_ to _You’re too awkward for that shit._

His frown deepens, “MJ thinks I would be a great stripper.”

”Oh boy,” Tony laughs.

”MJ doesn’t just hand out compliments like that, Tony.”

”So you two are talking again?” Tony smooches at the air until the kid’s horrified expression has him teary-eyed with compressed laughter.

”We’re back together, I apologized,” Peter hums as he presses the towel against his bleeding hands, “She seriously thinks I would make bank. My ass is apparently scrumptious to look at.”

Tony chokes on a laugh just as James appears again. He’s glaring sharply at Peter which makes him smile.

James keeps glaring, without saying a word.

”Come on buddy, let’s use your words,” Tony snorts, his hand coming down harshly on James’s shoulder.

James snarls, “Did you make my mother cry?”

His glare is directed at them both now, his fists clenched at his side, and honestly he looks too much like a cartoon character to be taken seriously.

Peter grimaces, his hands still clenched around the dish towel. He shrugs, because truly, that’s not his problem.

But _seriously?_

He feels like laughing, “Did I?”

”You know you did,” James fumes.

”Uh, obviously he doesn’t if he’s asking,” Tony snorts, which he’s done a lot tonight.

”Whatever,” He walks away with a pinched expression.

”I can’t wait until dinner!” Peter exclaims, sarcasm written all over his expression.

”Six minutes into dinner an argument is going to start, I’ll put my money on it,” Tony whistles.

Peter wrinkles his nose, “3 minutes and 36 seconds.”

”Bet.”

May chooses that time to walk over, her stress lines prominent, and her glasses are pushed up into her hairline to keep her hair back.

She simply shakes her head, her lips pursed. She looks like she’s second away from personally shoving her boots so far up James’s ass he’ll taste the shit on her shoe for months.

Tony dissolves into laughter, the kind where he’s bent over slightly, a hand over his mouth and the other on his aching ribs. It’s refreshing to see.

May has a hand on her hip when she stands on her tippy toes to whisper in Peter’s ear, “You’ll all start arguing a minute in.”

He laughs brightly.

**—**

At the time, when Peter actually looked forward to roasting his cousins to literal flames, he didn’t think of how draining it would be to simply be in their _presence._

He’s sandwiched in between Tony and Aunt May, for some awful reason, they’re eating dinner outside in the summer heat. It’s barely five in the afternoon and it’s 100 degrees out here.

Tony is refilling his cup with ice water when Peter hears it.

Usually he would’ve never reacted so negatively, even if these idiots were assholes, he’d keep his cool for May’s sake, but with the hot weather and his lack of thermoregulation, he’s irritated.

James is whispering to his adopted brother Kingston, a smirk on his face, when he says, “ _We don’t like Peter because he’s a faggot._ ”

Kingston was _four years old._

So of course, he loses his cool momentarily.

“I’d prefer it if you didn’t use that term to describe me to your four year old brother, James,” Peter announces loud enough across the table.

Tony’s eyes widen considerably, since returned to his spot with the new cup of ice water, when he hears the amount of venom in his kid’s voice. May has the same look, not having heard what James said.

James’s smirk grows across his face, his eyebrows shooting up. His other brother, Kasey, who is not surprisingly, even _more_ homophobic, laughs.

”You’re such a snowflake! He’s right!”

The boy Kasey brought along, Brandon, looks extremely uncomfortable in his current predicament. May pipes up.

”What did you say to my nephew?” May hisses, her fork clatters against the plate. She lays her hands out in front of her on the table.

”He knows what I said,” James says.

”Something must be seriously wrong with you to speak about me to your _four year old_ brother like that, and my fucking sexual orientation should not be the topic of your conversation ever,” Peter fumes.

Kasey scoffs, but Renee pipes up first, “You do not use that language in my household young man.”

”Then get your dog!”

James snarls, ready to snap back when Renee raises an eyebrow. May feels like scoffing at the lousy “reprimands” her sister gives her adopted children.

Tony keeps his grip on Peter’s shoulder but even his jaw is clenched, glaring at the boys who snicker across the table. His food is barely eaten, partially because he’s not hungry, especially after James’s implications, _mostly_ because the Man N’ Cheese is clearly from the box.

The meat has no seasoning, and it nearly looks worse than some of the lunches at high schools nowadays.

Peter’s shoulders are tightly coiled, he’s slightly hunched over, nose pushed up from his fists. He’s got his elbows on the table and his eyes are closed.

Thermoregulation is a bitch to put it lightly. The racists and the heat is starting to give him a severe headache and he really just wants to cuddle with MJ.

James is still muttering under his breath to Kasey and they snicker, their eyes scanning over him with undeniable judgement before their dad speaks up.

”You know Peter, you’ve gone soft ever since Ben went away,” Mark says, his lips smack around a mouthful of food.

”Peter’s fine the way he is,” Tony grunts in defense. His eyes are squinted at the man.

”No he’s soft now,” Mark keeps talking, “Since Ben went away—“

”Stop using your filthy mouth to speak on my husband’s name!” May snaps, her hand hitting the table harshly, “Ben raised the finest young man and he would be proud of Peter regardless! I know I am.”

Peter takes her hand to hold it tightly, fighting to breathe normally through the onslaught of emotions at the mention of Ben.

Mark doesn’t look impressed, “He needs a man in his life. He’s acting like a girl! He’s a man, he needs to act like one!”

”There’s nothing wrong with boys being feminine! He’s allowed to be and wear whatever the hell he wants,” Tony spits and May hums in approval.

”He can’t even speak up for himself!” Kasey laughs.

”S’Cause the only thing he’s ever used his lips for is sucking dick!” James sneers, “Since he’s a faggot.”

”I think that’s more so a throat action,” Peter retorts, falling back on humor to keep his anger in check.

Kingston looks around, sippy cup in hand when he leans over to Renee, whispers quite loudly, “What’s a faggot?”

Everyone ignores him.

”So you are a fag! I knew it, no real man has manicured nails,” Kasey howls with laughter, his dirt filled fingernails on full display.

”You sure do a lot of talking for someone who smells like an STD and weed.”

Renee gasps, horrified at Tony’s words that send May laughing, and she places a hand over her chest.

”Excuse me?!”

”I mean shit, he certainly didn’t stutter,” Peter purses his lips.

”I’m not going to listen to a _faggot_ that eats a load for breakfast,” James growls.

”We sure know your favorite word,” Tony snarks.

”Hey cum is a _great_ facial, you should try it sometime,” Peter hums, pressing his fingers into his cheeks.

He cackles at their horrified expressions.

Mark starts to bellow, “I will not tolerate this any further! Peter, you apologize to my son right now!”

”James, I sincerely apologize that you’re built like Buzz Lightyear and you’re racist. And homophobic. Xenophobic, transphobic, sexist, misogynistic, a _Trump_ supporter—“

”There’s nothing wrong with being a Trump supporter! I will always look up to him!” James screams.

”Bitch you’re 5’7! You _gotta_ look up at everyone!” Peter howls with May and Tony, clapping hands together and hitting the table with the force of their laughs.

”Laugh it up! Go right ahead, that’s fine,” Mark growls.

”Pretty sure I don’t gotta ask for permission to speak,” Peter says in reply.

“You think you’re better than us!”

”Bitch I am!” Peter squawks slightly, “You’re both high school dropouts, racist and sexist that entire list goes on, yet I’m the top of my class and I’m on the Academic Decathlon team which by the way is not easy to be apart of, not only should I mention the fact you’re both _heterosexual_?!”

“Doesn’t get worse than that,” Tony smirks at the last part

“Get the hell out of my house!” Mark screams, slamming his hands down onto the table.

”Uh oh, Wreck-It-Ralph is gonna wreck it!” Tony calls out, his hands forming a make-shift megaphone.

May and Peter trail after Tony, ready to leave, when Kasey calls out “You’re disgusting and you need to leave this country if you hate it so much!”

”Kiss my ass bitch! Since you’re staring,” Peter juts his hip out jokingly and May laughs and tugs him along.

They snicker as they leave, and he can hear Kasey and James talking up a storm, but it makes him laugh harder.

He’s realized that sometimes — humor is the best defense.

May claps her hands together in delight, tears slowly stream down her face and she gasps again, her hand pressed against her ribs.

Tony looks mildly impressed, his hands coming together sarcastically as they cross the front yard. He sniffs with a quirked eyebrow.

”Y’know, I say that went very well.”

“I can see why Miss Potts handles everything herself now,” May retorts with an exasperated smile.

“We definitely could’ve handled it better but what’s done is done,” Peter shrugs nonchalantly, “Can’t take it back.”

“I said what I said about Kasey,” Tony says as he unlocks his car.

”You’re right and you should say it,” Peter chuckles.

”Let’s get some shitty food that’ll raise some eyebrows!” He cheers.

”Only you kid, only you.”

**Author's Note:**

> please do not think i seriously hate heterosexuals, it’s a running joke i have lol.
> 
> this was an actual argument i had with distant family but of course not over dinner bc they refuse to talk to me
> 
> never be ashamed of who you are! unless you’re racist, homophobic, transphobic, misogynistic, and a trump supporter lol then BE ASHAMED
> 
> also, let’s stop shipping MCU peter with any avenger i feel like that should be common sense
> 
> i needed to write out my frustrations so enjoy muah
> 
> LEAVE COMMENTS AND KUDOS


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